Can I Hit It In The Morning?! Pt. VIII: Father's Day Massacre: Dating A Man With Kids

CAN I HIT IT IN THE MORNING?! PT. VIII:

FATHER’S DAY MASSACRE: DATING A MAN WITH KIDS 

 

Column Synopsis: A random and unbiased perspective of what is relevant in the world today – as seen through the eyes of yours truly, David L. A column not to be duplicated… but to be emulated. Because after all, groundbreaking material does not come around every day. A comprehensive “no holds barred” opinion on current social events of utmost importance. A Q&A with random readers with answers posted to include hints, tips and breakthrough ideas into either getting through life – and/or surviving it! In conclusion – a breakthrough column to for the ages… none before me. None after my departure. ‘Nuff said.

“When I was online dating, I specifically ruled out men from my search category that had children.  After all, who wants to get involved with a man who had that type of baggage?  Who needed to date someone with an ex AND children?  Isn’t dating complicated enough?”

·         Quote taken from a random woman, late thirties.

Ladies –  unfortunately,there is no “quick step guide” to dating a man with kids – AND maintain an ACTIVE role in their lives, however, following some simple steps will save you your sanity (and your relationship) on occasion:

 1. Wait for him to introduce you to his children.  There is nothing worse than a “thirsty” woman who maintains an impatient stance and does not allow the dad’s comfort level to subside to the point where he is receptive to the introduction.

2. Even if you are eventually introduced to the child(ren), TAKE IT SLOW!  The kids may not like you at first.  This is both normal and natural.  After all, you are not their mother… so don’t think for a moment you can replace her – whether she is alive or deceased.  Please don’t allow your own insecurities to take control over logic. 

3. Expect emergencies and last minute cancellations on occasion.  When you are dating a man with child(ren), their needs are priority – not your own.  It’s important to change your mindset if you are used to having things your way most of the time.  It’s all about compromise.  Either get down with the program or keep it moving.  It’s that simple. 

4. It is ok to feel a little insecure or overwhelmed at times when dealing with a man with child(ren).  Be honest with him.  Keep in mind that his loyalty towards his children are limitless (and should be) and see that as a blessing in disguise as his loyalty will quite possibly transcend towards you.  After all – witnessing his nurturing skills firsthand with his children can be a turn on if planned accordingly!

And what about the mother of the child(ren)?  Ladies – here is a tip from me to you: don’t be so over-eager to become best friends with the “ex”.  Your man may feel like he is subliminally being put in the position to be eventually double-teamed by you and her.  But don’t be distant either.  Instead, find that “healthy medium” to get along with the ex.  And don’t be afraid to ask your man about his relationship with her.  Even more importantly – why they broke up in the first place.  Sometimes figuring out his preferences (or her deficiencies) will ultimately help you deal with him better.  Understand this ladies: the ex will ALWAYS be in his life.  Point blank.  Additionally, they may share the same friends between them AND there may be some resentment on your behalf every day that you look at the child(ren) that the two of them conceived together – a feat monumental in itself.  Your man may even have some lingering thoughts about the “family” between himself and the ex that did not work… and may even harbor some resentment towards you for it.  While most relationships exist where the ex will never be seen or heard from ever again, such is not the case in a healthy co-parenting relationship.  He will be interacting with her… OFTEN!  Get used to it and keep your penchant for insecure emotions towards him intact.  The relationship didn’t work out for a reason and the age old jealous-type behavior like: “Why is she texting you?” or… “How come you have to go over her house?” quickly becomes tired and old.  Matter of fact; find solace in the fact that your man can remain civil with his ex.  Learn to accept it and be confident in YOUR relationship with him.

Some other things to consider:

1.      Make a great impression with his family.  You will immediately be looked at as the potential spouse and step-parent so aim for the stars.  His family was (is) probably close to the ex and you may feel like you are being compared with her (which most likely you will be) but that is life so “bite the bullet”.  The family’s priority is for the child(ren) to be happy so SUCK IT UP.

2. You already have a “glimpse into the future” if the two of you ever decide to conceive children together so use that to your advantage.  That kind of reassurance takes the guesswork out of wondering: “will he be a good dad”… because he already is one.
3. Upon meeting your man’s child(ren), you can rest easier at night knowing full well that he is serious about his relationship with you.  No man in his right mind introduces his child(ren) to another female if he is not serious about the relationship. 

 BONUS MATERIAL:

Since “father’s day” is drafted in the title and this is a special “father’s day” edition of my blog series, “Can I Hit It In The Morning?!” it would only be right that I add my thoughts about the blatant and rampant ignorance with some of y’all women that continue on with the buffoonery of wishing each other “happy father’s day” to one another on FATHER’S DAY!  (Drum roll please…)

ENOUGH ALREADY!  No matter how bitter or disgruntled you feel about the daddy not being in the child’s life… for whatever reason he may have,  keep in mind that you will NEVER be the FATHER/DADDY in your child(rens) life.  Instead, find peace within yourself knowing that you have done all that you could do to play a pivotal part in your child(rens) development and be the best PARENT you can be.  You can NOT be a father any more than a dog can be a cat!  Furthermore, a woman (or man for that matter) telling another woman “happy father’s day is a proverbial “slap in the face” to ALL worthy dads that are in their child(rens) life.  Ladies - How would you women feel if men downplayed the significance of childbirth?  How would you feel as an “African-American” if someone outside of your race downplayed the significance of what slavery did to the Black family??  Yeah - that's what I thought!  Now that I got you thinking in more abstract terms...  Carry on…

David L. is the award-winning author& publisher of 4 novels: Over Your Dead Body, My Life Is A Movie, Chalk Outline Confessions: The Remix & Represent. All are available for purchase on his official author website at: www.totalpackagepublications.com, via E-book (Kindle & Nook) and digital download direct from website, and select bookstores everywhere. Email David L. at: contacttpp@totalpackagepublications.com. Follow David L. on Twitter at: www.twitter.com/almightydavidl; and on Facebook at: www.facebook.com/theauthordavidl.

Previous Can I Hit It In The Morning?! blog series by David L. can also be found on his author blog at: totalpackagepublications.blogspot.com.

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Can I Hit It In The Morning?! Pt. VII: Love At 1st Sight... Does It Exist?

CAN I HIT IT IN THE MORNING?! PT. VII: LOVE AT 1^ST SIGHT… DOES IT EXIST?

Column Synopsis: A random and unbiased perspective of what is relevant in the world today – as seen through the eyes of yours truly, David L. A column not to be duplicated… but to be emulated. Because after all, groundbreaking material does not come around every day. A comprehensive “no holds barred” opinion on current social events of utmost importance. A Q&A with random readers with answers posted to include hints, tips and breakthrough ideas into either getting through life – and/or surviving it! In conclusion – a breakthrough column to for the ages… none before me. None after my departure. ‘Nuff said.

“Love at first sight is very possible depending on the individual.  Some men and women love stronger than others and know right away when they meet that special person that is going to change their life forever.  I knew right away when I met my wife that I was going to ultimately marry her!”

“Pervis M.”

 Intro: Is there really such a thing as “love at first sight?”  Many would claim that there is, and that they have firsthand experience.  But is this concept merely to confuse sexual attraction with love?  The fact of the matter is, the broad parameters of love at first sight appears to be somewhat of a very common misnomer since it cannot reasonably be taken literally.  This is because merely seeing someone does not afford a sufficient window into the nature of the person seen.  For example, seeing a Hollywood “star” like Idris Elba or Morris Chestnut (or whoever your “eye candy” of the week may be) in their latest flicks is not a basis for loving them.  Indeed, the characters sauntering about on the screen are not really the actors themselves, an obvious fact that some of you groupies tend to miss (yeah – I said it!)  These so-called fans may be sexually attracted to, or infatuated with the aforementioned actors but they cannot be said to love them because they really do not know them – even if they know some things about them (for example through gossip columns).  Similarly, in simply “seeing” others without ever having the opportunity to get to know them we cannot reasonably be said to love them.  Nevertheless, some of you believe there can be a “mystical experience” or unity that has drawn two kindred souls together.  One word: HOGWASH! Still, behind this broader question is a further pressing question: how can one tell the difference between liking and loving that individual?  So, while you can definitely have “liking at first acquaintance,” can “loving at first acquaintance” be a consideration?  To answer this question, we obviously need to have a clear basis on what it means to truly love someone.  True love takes time to cultivate, and in love at first sight, there is simply not enough time for any of the activities of loving someone to be brought to fruition.

“I don’t believe the act of love is possible at first sight.  Infatuation or lust yes.  I believe true love has to be planted and then nurtured with communication and sharing even the smallest part of yourself.”

“Sweettotaste”

 Ladies – remember that handsome jock you couldn’t take your eyes off of in High School?  You know, the one you were convinced would be the breadwinner and baby daddy for your future three children – but then you realized he was a pathetic loser with a most likely probability to live a very humdrum existence?  You believed then that love at first sight was possible, but soon discovered that it’s just another one of those made for television (think Lifetime channel) aimed at deceiving only the most naïve of all folks.  You wanna know why?  Because it DOESN’T EXIST!  Not now.  Not ever!  Everyone has heard the cliché pick up line: “do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?”  Arguably this line has a less than dismal success rate, however, it does pose a valid argument.  Passionate lovers – both male and female who develop emotional feelings upon initial contact tend to firmly believe in love at first sight.  The problem with this concept is they believe in it so much that every man or woman they frequent becomes “the love of their life.”  Consequently, anyone who feels this way after only one encounter unequivocally ends up diminishing the effect and any subsequent contact with that so called “special” person becomes marginalized.

“Love at first sight does not exist!  Lust at first sight does, and then hopefully you get a chance and then fall in love…”

“Remy Martin”

 Research states that women tend to fall in love more easily while in a relationship, and not coincidentally, quicker to commit to their men.  Although they tend to be “wary” in the early stages of a committed relationship, they will eventually open up to falling in love and commit with much more anticipation.  Many women also base their relationship on an otherwise outdated concept in which their “knight in shining armor” also ultimately “sweeps them off of their feet” and “whisks them away” to a four bedroom house with white picket fence.  Setting their sights so high, however, might actually end up hindering the proverbial bottom line for women in this fairytale-like scenario.  And for you men out there, very often it comes to the illusion of love at first sight, men can (and are) blinded by a “big butt and a smile.”  Undoubtedly, most men will never readily admit to catching feelings so fast, and they very often do “fall hard” when that right woman comes along.  Although most men are better equipped to “pacing themselves” in the dating game and being careful about whom they offer their hearts to, we are still susceptible to the same emotional bliss that “ails” our female counterparts.  Just remember – having a “crush” on someone, being attracted to, and falling in love with someone are all very different things altogether.

 

David L. is the award-winning author& publisher of 4 novels: Over Your Dead Body, My Life Is A Movie, Chalk Outline Confessions: The Remix & Represent. All are available for purchase on his official author website at: www.totalpackagepublications.com, via E-book (Kindle & Nook) and digital download direct from website, and select bookstores everywhere. Email David L. at: contacttpp@totalpackagepublications.com. Follow David L. on Twitter at: www.twitter.com/almightydavidl; and on Facebook at: www.facebook.com/theauthordavidl.

Previous Can I Hit It In The Morning?! blog series by David L. can also be found on his author blog at: totalpackagepublications.blogspot.com.

 

SUPPORT THE MOVEMENT. HIT THE “DONATE” BUTTON ON THE HOME PAGE!