CAN I HIT IT IN THE
MORNING?! PT. VI:YEAR OF “THE SIDE CHICK”
Column
Synopsis: A
random and unbiased perspective of what is relevant in the world today – as
seen through the eyes of yours truly, David L.
A column not to be duplicated… but to be emulated. Because after all, groundbreaking material
does not come around every day. A
comprehensive “no holds barred” opinion on current social events of utmost
importance. A Q&A with random readers with answers posted to include hints,
tips and breakthrough ideas into either getting through life – and/or surviving
it! In conclusion – a breakthrough
column to for the ages… none before me.
None after my departure. ‘Nuff
said.
INTRO:
"HEY BI**H. I'M LEAVING YOU AND THESE DAMN UNGRATEFUL KIDS!
YOU CAN HAVE THE HOUSE. THE CAR. F**K IT... YOU CAN EVEN KEEP
EVERYTHING IN THE BANK ACCOUNT. I'M OUTTA HERE!"
* Words taken from your everyday neighborhood "Joe" who just couldn't
take it anymore in his main relationship. He reached the edge. His
boiling point. Just couldn't take life any longer with his significant
other OR their children. Or is it simply an exercise in futility based on
his never ending quest to be with his "forbidden fruit"... his
"sunshine" (see the movie, Harlem Nights starring Eddie Murphy and
Richard Pryor) for further clarification. The "side chick" has
been around for centuries. Quite possibly since the dawn of time... and
beyond. So what exactly is a "side chick" anyway?
Definition of a "side chick": The other woman; also known as the
"mistress"; a female that is neither a man's wife or girlfriend, but
nonetheless has relations with that man while he is in another
relationship. She is a "side dish" (comparable to Nachos
chips!)
Listen up ladies; if you start a relationship being the other woman, you will
NEVER be the only woman. Y’all do know the operative word here – right? NEVER!
And fellas - there are many red flags you can look for if you are starting
to worry that your "sidepiece" is trying to be more. Examples include, but are not limited to: 1. sober daytime hangouts that are justifiably
reserved for primary relationships, and NOT
booty calls, 2. Hanging out in the midst of your inner circle of friends,
family and social acquaintances without prior permission, and 3. After spending
the night together, this person starts to linger around for a little too long.
They try to get you to take them out to breakfast, lunch, anything that should
only be done with a real partner. They
simply can’t let go. Sound
familiar? Similar to trying to turn a “ho”
into a housewife, you can’t turn a side chick into “wifey material” (would you
really want to?) Although a true side
chick remains in a position of power, more often than not, feelings are
generated. Thus, the cruel fate of what
can be considered “hypocritical justice at its very best.”
"Roses are red, violets are blue, if homeboy says he has plans, then
chances are the side chick is YOU!"
David L. Copyright 2014.
The worst thing is when sidepieces do not realize they are sidepieces. Real
women get a call before bed; side chicks get a text (if that). Girlfriends get the “Hey babe, what’s up?”
whereas the girl on the side gets a “Yo' ma' where you at?” You know YOU are the side chick when you don’t
get a good morning or goodnight text, and instead, the only thing you’re getting
is a “sorry I fell asleep last night.” A guy isn’t cheating with you
because you are so good at being the other girl; he’s cheating with you because
you aren’t good enough to be the REAL girl. Sidepieces have an expiration date
similar to a half gallon of 2% low fat milk and by trying to push a future with
him, you are just prolonging the inevitable. Always remember - everyone
is replaceable. EVERYONE! Don’t be a side chick catching main b***h
emotions. Accept the role you have in your “man’s” life and take it for what
it’s worth. Once you realize this, you can benefit as much as he does from this
social arrangement often cloaked in degradation and ridicule. You do not
get to experience holidays with this person, NO Christmas celebrations, NO
Thanksgiving with the family and especially NO Valentine’s Day. Remember to NEVER show up unannounced at his
place of domicile, and NEVER drop the "L" word! That is a total
ethical violation of biblical magnitude. Some women are innately twisted and get some
sick sense of pleasure out of hooking up with another girl’s man. They enjoy
living "the dangerous life". Girls
(notice I did not label them as women) with low self-esteem are usually the
type to engage in this sort of behavior because it gives them a confidence
boost since someone else’s man is chasing after them. Many women put up
with this type of relationship for many reasons and as time goes on, we see
this more and more in today's society. People’s busy schedules do not allow for the
complete investment that a relationship demands. By engaging in this type of
arrangement, sex and intimacy are at your convenience. You get to reap all the
benefits of an actual relationship, but without all of the drama and
bullsh*t. Too many women complain about being the side chick, but if you
are really that bothered by it, why are you putting up with it? If you accept less than you want, you are only
setting yourself up for major disappointment. Most allow men to play this game because they
think it will get them a permanent spot in their lives, but this could not be
further from the truth. Men realize what you are willing to put up with
and use it to the best of their advantage. You know the old saying - right?
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Real
talk.
“The O.T.H.E.R. woman: an Overplayed Toy
He Eventually Releases”
Additionally, we are living in an era in which being "pimps" and
"ho's" are considered commercially appealing. Watching reality
shows (and for the record, I sure as hell don't) like Real Housewives Of
Atlanta proves my correlation with mindless broads fighting over men that
blatantly do not want them... and worse - they are considered mere objects to
be disposed of at any given opportunity. Men don't want something that he
can have at his beck and call. Make him earn the "ill na na"
ladies!
10 Signs That YOU May Be The "Side Chick":
1) His phone NEVER rings
If you are with someone throughout the day and you have never seen them reach
for their phone, YOU are probably the side chick. Who carries a phone and
doesn’t receive at least one phone call or text message throughout the day. It
could be on silent (no sound or vibration) or it’s completely off, either way
he’s not talking on the phone around you. Hmmm... what could he be
hiding?
2) His phone is usually uncharged, about to die
or out of service
If 90% of the time you call him and it goes straight to voice mail, YOU may
very well be the side chick. This correlates to his phone never ringing. He
could be with someone else at the time and can’t pick up the phone to talk to
you, so he turns it off. No one carries
around a dead phone ALL of the time!
3) He often repeats the same story over... and
over... and over again
If he repeatedly tells you what he is doing this upcoming weekend or what he
did this past weekend, you are possibly one of his many side chicks. The reason
a guy repeats himself is because he can’t remember who he told what to.
The smart guy would repeat himself because asking if he told you something is
admitting that he can’t keep track of his women.
4) His compliments are focused around physical
appearance
If the only nice things he has to say about you is centered around the way you
look or your sexual performance, you’re the sexy side chick. This guy is
obviously only into you for your body. Most
people think that guys are one track minded, so compliments only surrounding
sex make sense. But the truth is that we actually think about other stuff too. So if you say something somewhat intelligent
and his reply is, “Your lips are so cute” chances are YOU are not the chick
that he listens to.
5) Dates are never last minute
If ALL your dates are planned at least a week in advance; he may have other
chicks on his schedule. He probably sets
aside a day just for his side chicks. If you’re not already in the books for
that day on the current week, he makes you wait until the following week,
before he’s “free” again.
6) Dates are closer to your home/work than his
If you’ve never been out to a place that’s in the vicinity of his job or home,
YOU may very well be the side chick. He never takes you to those places because
he doesn’t want to risk the chance of running into something that may know
about his other chick(s). Next time you
go out with him, suggest a place near his home and see he what he says.
7) He’s never disappointed, angry or upset when
you cancel on him
If he could care less whether he sees you or not, YOU are probably the side
chick. Things come up all the time and you may have to cancel a date with him.
If he is too cool about not seeing you, and doesn’t put up a fuss, he
definitely has someone else to occupy his time.
8) You never catch him looking at other women
If you’re with a guy and he NEVER looks at attractive women when they pass by,
he probably can’t be trusted. He’s
either on the "DL" or well-trained as a player. Whatever the case is,
it’s not good for you.
9) He disabled his wall on his Facebook profile
If a guy doesn’t want people leaving messages on his Facebook wall, chances are
that he’s hiding something, or someone. That someone could be YOU!
10) He keeps his home extra clean
If a man's apartment is always clean, it could mean one of two things: 1) his
girlfriend cleans it for him or 2) he’s used to entertaining a lot of women,
and he instinctively knows that women love a clean place. If you were impressed
by it, chances are you’re not the only one who is.
(There are many more signs, but I can't give you ALL of the secrets!)
Not to discriminate, but some of you ladies not only aspire to be the side
chick, you go through life to be the ULTIMATE side chick (and I'm not mad at
you!) For you women that fit this category, I have some suggestions (did
you really think I wouldn't!)
Give him space. Don’t always be the first one to text him or seek him
out when you haven't heard from him in a few days. Give him some breathing
room. He already has a full-time main chick, and YOU are a part-timer. A
seasonal worker. A temp.
Don’t let him get bored. When he eventually texts you, keep the
conversation interesting and intriguing at the same time. A side chick's main responsibility is to keep
things fun and exciting for her mate.
Refrain from having “The Talk”. Having
the "Where is this going?" talk will surely push him away. You have
to know your lane. YOU are his side chick. Nothing more. Nothing
less. For most of you, this "relationship" isn’t going anywhere other
than the bedroom/hotel/backseat of a car, so starting a serious conversation is
overwhelming for him and is definitely frowned upon. This will most definitely
lead you to a "time out".
Do not argue with him EVER. There should never be a reason to get into a
disagreement with him. That is the MAIN chick's responsibility. A side chick should always be cool and should
never be one who stresses him out. You are his vacation, his time off, and his
break from problems with the main chick. Starting arguments will only
have you easily replaced (refer to my aforementioned comment about EVERYONE
being replaceable!)
Don’t ask any "red flag" questions. This
should be a no brainer. You can’t ask "Where were you?"
"Why didn’t you call me?" "Why are you always so busy?"
"Why don’t you ever see me?" "Who were you on the phone
with?" Etc. Etc. KNOW YOUR LANE! These are not side chick questions.
Do not bother trying to be a part of holidays or birthdays. If he cares
enough about you, he MIGHT celebrate these events with you the day after or
before, but for the most part don’t expect anything like a gift or any type of
emotional acknowledgment. These days are saved and reserved for the main
chicks, and it may be safe to text him to say Happy Blah Blah Blah, but a phone
call should NEVER be made. By the way - Avoid Valentine's Day
completely. Don’t even send a text!
Don’t ever call him first. EVER! Text messages should be your only
form of contact unless he decides he want to call you. You do not have phone
privileges and at any given time he might be with his main chick so utilize
your texting capabilities on your cell phone whenever necessary.
Let him think he is the only one. You don’t want him to think you get
down like this, even if you do. You're already a side chick; you don’t want him
to think you’re a big ol' skeezer too!
Don’t EVER, EVER, EVER (times 5) stalk him. It’s never a good idea to
stalk a person. There are helplines for this. Don’t open a fake Facebook account and request
him as a friend (this goes for Twitter as well). This will not lead to anything
good. The less you know the better. Looking at pictures of the “happy couple” or
reading about his amazing weekend with her will only hurt your feelings in the
long run… and feelings like these are not allowed.
Don’t research the main chick. Looking her up on social websites is not
necessary and offers no immediate or long term benefit. Why would you want to associate a face or name
in the first place? Her name is “Main” and her face looks like this: “?”
Enough said.
Public Service Disclaimer: I know full well I am going to piss off a lot of the
fellas with this blog, but SO EFFIN WHAT?! Most of y'all aren't going to
take the time to read this anyway... so who the F**k cares - right?! And
ladies - I just provided you with a wealth of information. Use it as you
want... just spell my name right!
