Thursday, June 4, 2015

Can I Hit It In The Morning?! Pt. VIII: Father's Day Massacre: Dating A Man With Kids

Column Synopsis: A random and unbiased perspective of what is relevant in the world today – as seen through the eyes of yours truly, David L. A column not to be duplicated… but to be emulated. Because after all, groundbreaking material does not come around every day. A comprehensive “no holds barred” opinion on current social events of utmost importance. A Q&A with random readers with answers posted to include hints, tips and breakthrough ideas into either getting through life – and/or surviving it! In conclusion – a breakthrough column to for the ages… none before me. None after my departure. ‘Nuff said.

“When I was online dating, I specifically ruled out men from my search category that had children.  After all, who wants to get involved with a man who had that type of baggage?  Who needed to date someone with an ex AND children?  Isn’t dating complicated enough?”
·         Quote taken from a random woman, late thirties.

Ladies –  unfortunately,there is no “quick step guide” to dating a man with kids – AND maintain an ACTIVE role in their lives, however, following some simple steps will save you your sanity (and your relationship) on occasion:
 1. Wait for him to introduce you to his children.  There is nothing worse than a “thirsty” woman who maintains an impatient stance and does not allow the dad’s comfort level to subside to the point where he is receptive to the introduction.
2. Even if you are eventually introduced to the child(ren), TAKE IT SLOW!  The kids may not like you at first.  This is both normal and natural.  After all, you are not their mother… so don’t think for a moment you can replace her – whether she is alive or deceased.  Please don’t allow your own insecurities to take control over logic. 
3. Expect emergencies and last minute cancellations on occasion.  When you are dating a man with child(ren), their needs are priority – not your own.  It’s important to change your mindset if you are used to having things your way most of the time.  It’s all about compromise.  Either get down with the program or keep it moving.  It’s that simple. 
4. It is ok to feel a little insecure or overwhelmed at times when dealing with a man with child(ren).  Be honest with him.  Keep in mind that his loyalty towards his children are limitless (and should be) and see that as a blessing in disguise as his loyalty will quite possibly transcend towards you.  After all – witnessing his nurturing skills firsthand with his children can be a turn on if planned accordingly!

And what about the mother of the child(ren)?  Ladies – here is a tip from me to you: don’t be so over-eager to become best friends with the “ex”.  Your man may feel like he is subliminally being put in the position to be eventually double-teamed by you and her.  But don’t be distant either.  Instead, find that “healthy medium” to get along with the ex.  And don’t be afraid to ask your man about his relationship with her.  Even more importantly – why they broke up in the first place.  Sometimes figuring out his preferences (or her deficiencies) will ultimately help you deal with him better.  Understand this ladies: the ex will ALWAYS be in his life.  Point blank.  Additionally, they may share the same friends between them AND there may be some resentment on your behalf every day that you look at the child(ren) that the two of them conceived together – a feat monumental in itself.  Your man may even have some lingering thoughts about the “family” between himself and the ex that did not work… and may even harbor some resentment towards you for it.  While most relationships exist where the ex will never be seen or heard from ever again, such is not the case in a healthy co-parenting relationship.  He will be interacting with her… OFTEN!  Get used to it and keep your penchant for insecure emotions towards him intact.  The relationship didn’t work out for a reason and the age old jealous-type behavior like: “Why is she texting you?” or… “How come you have to go over her house?” quickly becomes tired and old.  Matter of fact; find solace in the fact that your man can remain civil with his ex.  Learn to accept it and be confident in YOUR relationship with him.

Some other things to consider:
1.      Make a great impression with his family.  You will immediately be looked at as the potential spouse and step-parent so aim for the stars.  His family was (is) probably close to the ex and you may feel like you are being compared with her (which most likely you will be) but that is life so “bite the bullet”.  The family’s priority is for the child(ren) to be happy so SUCK IT UP.
  1. You already have a “glimpse into the future” if the two of you ever decide to conceive children together so use that to your advantage.  That kind of reassurance takes the guesswork out of wondering: “will he be a good dad”… because he already is one.
  2. Upon meeting your man’s child(ren), you can rest easier at night knowing full well that he is serious about his relationship with you.  No man in his right mind introduces his child(ren) to another female if he is not serious about the relationship. 

Since “father’s day” is drafted in the title and this is a special “father’s day” edition of my blog series, “Can I Hit It In The Morning?!” it would only be right that I add my thoughts about the blatant and rampant ignorance with some of y’all women that continue on with the buffoonery of wishing each other “happy father’s day” to one another on FATHER’S DAY!  (Drum roll please…)

ENOUGH ALREADY!  No matter how bitter or disgruntled you feel about the daddy not being in the child’s life… for whatever reason he may have,  keep in mind that you will NEVER be the FATHER/DADDY in your child(rens) life.  Instead, find peace within yourself knowing that you have done all that you could do to play a pivotal part in your child(rens) development and be the best PARENT you can be.  You can NOT be a father any more than a dog can be a cat!  Furthermore, a woman (or man for that matter) telling another woman “happy father’s day is a proverbial “slap in the face” to ALL worthy dads that are in their child(rens) life.  Ladies - How would you women feel if men downplayed the significance of childbirth?  How would you feel as an “African-American” if someone outside of your race downplayed the significance of what slavery did to the Black family??  Yeah - that's what I thought!  Now that I got you thinking in more abstract terms...  Carry on…

David L. is the award-winning author& publisher of 4 novels: Over Your Dead Body, My Life Is A Movie, Chalk Outline Confessions: The Remix & Represent. All are available for purchase on his official author website at:, via E-book (Kindle & Nook) and digital download direct from website, and select bookstores everywhere. Email David L. at: Follow David L. on Twitter at:; and on Facebook at:
Previous Can I Hit It In The Morning?! blog series by David L. can also be found on his author blog at:



Tasha Logan said...

I truly appreciated this blog. There are single women without children that tends to date a man/men with a child(ren). It's hard to deal with if the woman is very inset and don't trust her man. I personally respect a man that's active in his child(rens) lives. If your man is honest and upfront with you about the ex then as a woman you shouldn't have to worry unless your man his still with his ex & you. Again I enjoyed the blog

Ytteb Martin said...

I'm glad to know of another perspective and so well put. As a single mom, I never really thought about the challenges a single dad faces. The humor in this blog makes the message all the more enjoyable. Looking forward to reading more from you David L.